Oh Dear

My term is coming slowly to a close. I keep hoping it will end quickly and painlessly. I also really, really don't want it to end.
Yep, this is about a boy.
I guess I'm over the past, since my focus keeps fluttering over a gentleman who I'd like to call... Physics Guy.
Physics Guy drove me home once. Physics Guy makes me laugh a lot. Physics Guy is really tall and has a very nice smile. Physics guy is waaaay older than I am.
I'm pretty positive this won't go anywhere. Maybe he has a girlfriend. I know it would be sort of creepy to try and ask him to be friends, even. What would I do with him? Go to bars? Four more months until that's legal, three months after the term ends. Ask him over? I've got parents. I oughtn't even look for a solution. It's all pretty silly. Quite improbable. Plus I think he thinks I'm creepy.
At least it isn't a crush that's distracting me from school. If anything, I want to go to tutorial sessions more and more often, hoping for some downtime in which to hear one of his hilarious stories.
He definitely avoided sitting by me today. I felt a teeny bit hurt. He likely wasn't even thinking about me, which is okay, I'll probably be over it by the time diplomas come along.
It's nice to feel a little like a real teenager.
Young, stupid love.

On Driving Home and Getting Lost

I had a series of exams recently, all of which I aced, because it seems I'm willing to give up any hope of a social life to study my ass off for some especially cosmically insignificant high school exams.
That's just the thing, isn't it? I made the choice, so I can't really complain about missing out on things I didn't take part in, due to studying.

I love seeing people. I was a terrified introvert when I was young, but mostly only due to bullying. I was shocked to find just how much of a... real person I am. I wouldn't say I'm an extrovert as principle, but with people I feel comfortable around, most definitely.
I know I say this all the time, but after being sick, I really want to enjoy life starting right fucking now. I felt half dead for so long, and now I just want to laugh and run and really feel every little bump along the road of life (I'm so cheesy). I love life. I love it so goddamn much. Not many people appreciate life this much. Not that that makes me better or wiser by any means, but that's me. And I want to just, get the fuck out and love it. Ahh. I do.
Next year, I want to make the choice to take a lighter course load so I can make a little music, paint a few pictures, and enjoy the company of people on the side. This brings me back to my previous journal, though. The lighter the load I carry, the longer it will take me to finish high school and really start the life I want. I have to think about it a lot more.

Today, after my test, a gentleman offered to drive me home, seeing as I had no ride.
We promptly got lost. We ended up on a windy road with no exits, then in a few construction zones, and only after all this did he remember he had a GPS. I'm glad he didn't bring it up sooner, this teeny adventure was the most fun I've had in a while.
It's weirdly funny when the car slowly creeps into the empty intersection on a red light, then slowly reverses at an angle.
I say, "What the hell was that?"
He says, "Turning...?"
And I laugh like an idiot. Apparently my laughter is contagious.


(So there's the literal meaning of the title. It's also totally a metaphor.)

I now know what's really important to me. The quick summary is "to be happy", but there's a lot more to that.
Every day I figure out more and more things that will make me happier and happier. And, I mean, I am happy. I know if I spend my whole life thinking the grass is greener somewhere else I may never be truly happy. With that said, though, I don't think going after goals is much in violation of that. Or perhaps it is, I don't pretend to know things.
Anyway, I feel like I'm on the right track. If happy and content and fulfilled is where I want to be, then I'm driving home. (You know I'm good at this shit because I have to explain my metaphors.) I know what I mentioned is more of a state of mind, rather than a time. Like, I can wait for life to get more awesome and me to become super happy forever, but it will really only come from inside myself.
And that is where I keep getting lost.
I'm still more or less stuck in that frame of mind... just waiting for this part of life to be over so I can move on to the better part which will come after. When I was ill, that was all I had... to wait until I was better. When I was bullied, that was all I had... to wait until I got home to escape the school atmosphere. When I got home and my father was drinking and yelling, refusing to cook and ignoring me, I could only huddle up and wait for him to fall asleep or start watching TV, and wait until my mom got home. When my mother took off for weeks to go to conferences, when she worked until after my bedtime on weekdays, I could only wait for her. She was only ever upset and depressed when she got home, my father and her fought, and she would bitch at me and call me stupid, so I would just wait, wait for her to leave again.
And now, even though I'm comparatively so happy and life is so much better than any other time I  can remember, I feel like I just have to wait this out since I'm not yet where I would like to be.
I feel like waiting for a portion of my life to end and doing nothing else is comparable to wasting it, and I don't want that. I'm not really sure how to get out of this frame of mind or feel like I'm finally living. I'm so used to waiting for consciousness to end. I'm still lost.

I don't know what else to add so I suppose I'll stop there.

On Becoming an Adult / Staying a Kid

It's interesting just how slowly acting like an adult gets easier.
I've noticed how strong the impulse sometimes is to say, fuck it, when academic things get hard. I've noticed how badly I want to give up, then come up with a reasonable excuse for why I didn't do the work. I've noticed how, when I really made a stupid mistake don't show up for a group meeting, and let people down, all I wanted to do is come up with some excuse so they wouldn't be upset with me. Same thing, when I fucked up a test. It's so tempting to want to play games with someone and get away with screw-ups. I mean, what they don't know can't hurt them. More importantly, it can't hurt me.
Of course, that's childish, and even when I was a child, I was against that level of manipulative immaturity.
Being an adult, I force myself to think I just have to tell everyone the truth. Thus, I failed the test, I got reprimanded by my group, and I suffered through many more assignments I hadn't studied for due to stress attacks, and took what came to me as a result.
It's interesting to think, though, if I were less of a mature person, and just lied, I likely wouldn't have ever gotten in trouble.
I don't want to get in trouble, I made a mistake. I feel stupid already! This kind of thing never happens. I'll just keep this one secret, just get away with this, and then I'll never do it again.
But adults can't take the easy way out.
(I'm aware lots of adults DO do whatever they can to avoid getting in trouble, but I guess I just don't want to be that kind of adult.)

This point in my life is good, and I'm happy. The only thing, however, is how confusing it is to try and label what the hell I am.
If I hadn't gotten sick, I would be finished high school by now. I would have actually been finished early. As it stands, I feel like I should be entering the adult world now. I'm at that level of maturity or so it'd like to think. I could enter the world, but, since I did get sick, I've still got two and a half years of high school ahead of me.
I feel I have no business entering the world because of this. I feel more at home in, well, my home. Where I don't have to try to find a spot to fit in, like the world where none of the seats are quite the right height for me. When I go out, everyone is talking about their new university lives, or applying for university lives, or working lives. And I'm happy for them, but I'm honestly very jealous. I'm so ready to be done, but I've got three more years left to go before I can study for my job, and that's nearly five years until I can study what I love.
That's. So. Long.
I really, really don't want that. I know some people grow up feeling like an adult in a teenager's body. I'm literally an adult in a teenager's role.
So, what am I going to be for the next three years? Am I an adult? A high schooler? What am I going to do while I'm just waiting for the next five years to be over?
I don't want to waste five years of my life. Time is so precious and I want to spend it feeling happy and fulfilled. I want to make music and paint pictures. Film silly movies and write things that don't suck. I don't want to be stressed over  high school grades. I don't care about these subjects. I could slack off, but I need 90's to get into my  trade school program. I just feel so stuck and it's often saddening, and very stressful. I have a fear of wasting time. I wasted three years of it already being sick in bed. I just want to break out and really take advantage of the health I wish I had for so long.
I want to have the life of the adult I'm always thinking about.
Me, when I'm done school, done trade school, and finally able to put all my academic focus toward things I want to do.
If only I would be happy as a high school drop-out.


(Advice/thoughts are appreciated.)

Love Is Stretchy?

Love is wonderful in that it can never be wasted or used up. We can never replace the people or animals we have loved, but the love we felt can be expanded. I like to think of love as being stretchy. It is easy to feel guilty when you start to love something new, like somehow that means you love your old friend less. But when you think of love as being stretchy and able to expand, you can see that there will always be room for everything. You can love as much as you want.

That's based on something I read today, and I liked it a lot. I edited the existing quote to be something I can refer back to as to remind myself that just because I will enjoy people or things in the future, it doesn't mean my experience in the past meant anything less than what I'm experiencing now. I don't know why that bothers me so much, the idea that once the past is over, my experiences in that time and the people I loved will all mean nothing. I can't remember fondly the things I learned, because I have to make way for new experiences. The love I felt back then is now gone, and I feel empty to have lost it.
But, I don't need to feel that way. Because love is stretchy.
See how easy it is to take quotes off the internet and make them apply only to oneself? Aw yeah.

This blog will probably be mostly thoughts.
My life isn't very interesting or dramatic, but my thoughts are quite daunting.
Today, a boy I met once posted his thoughts on the internet. Some of those thoughts which I assume everyone has as they grow up and begin to comprehend the complexity of the world. It got me thinking.

I realize everything gets me thinking. I think so much that I somewhat normal state for me is tense and completely overwhelmed by nothing but just, thoughts. Some useful, most completely out there and crazy-ass.  I'm pretty much completely at a loss regarding how to shut my mind up.

For now I figure I'll indulge the thoughts and write about them. But today, I need to do homework.