I had a series of exams recently, all of which I aced, because it seems I'm willing to give up any hope of a social life to study my ass off for some especially cosmically insignificant high school exams.
That's just the thing, isn't it? I made the choice, so I can't really complain about missing out on things I didn't take part in, due to studying.
I love seeing people. I was a terrified introvert when I was young, but mostly only due to bullying. I was shocked to find just how much of a... real person I am. I wouldn't say I'm an extrovert as principle, but with people I feel comfortable around, most definitely.
I know I say this all the time, but after being sick, I really want to enjoy life starting right fucking now. I felt half dead for so long, and now I just want to laugh and run and really feel every little bump along the road of life (I'm so cheesy). I love life. I love it so goddamn much. Not many people appreciate life this much. Not that that makes me better or wiser by any means, but that's me. And I want to just, get the fuck out and love it. Ahh. I do.
Next year, I want to make the choice to take a lighter course load so I can make a little music, paint a few pictures, and enjoy the company of people on the side. This brings me back to my previous journal, though. The lighter the load I carry, the longer it will take me to finish high school and really start the life I want. I have to think about it a lot more.
Today, after my test, a gentleman offered to drive me home, seeing as I had no ride.
We promptly got lost. We ended up on a windy road with no exits, then in a few construction zones, and only after all this did he remember he had a GPS. I'm glad he didn't bring it up sooner, this teeny adventure was the most fun I've had in a while.
It's weirdly funny when the car slowly creeps into the empty intersection on a red light, then slowly reverses at an angle.
I say, "What the hell was that?"
He says, "Turning...?"
And I laugh like an idiot. Apparently my laughter is contagious.
(So there's the literal meaning of the title. It's also totally a metaphor.)
I now know what's really important to me. The quick summary is "to be happy", but there's a lot more to that.
Every day I figure out more and more things that will make me happier and happier. And, I mean, I am happy. I know if I spend my whole life thinking the grass is greener somewhere else I may never be truly happy. With that said, though, I don't think going after goals is much in violation of that. Or perhaps it is, I don't pretend to know things.
Anyway, I feel like I'm on the right track. If happy and content and fulfilled is where I want to be, then I'm driving home. (You know I'm good at this shit because I have to explain my metaphors.) I know what I mentioned is more of a state of mind, rather than a time. Like, I can wait for life to get more awesome and me to become super happy forever, but it will really only come from inside myself.
And that is where I keep getting lost.
I'm still more or less stuck in that frame of mind... just waiting for this part of life to be over so I can move on to the better part which will come after. When I was ill, that was all I had... to wait until I was better. When I was bullied, that was all I had... to wait until I got home to escape the school atmosphere. When I got home and my father was drinking and yelling, refusing to cook and ignoring me, I could only huddle up and wait for him to fall asleep or start watching TV, and wait until my mom got home. When my mother took off for weeks to go to conferences, when she worked until after my bedtime on weekdays, I could only wait for her. She was only ever upset and depressed when she got home, my father and her fought, and she would bitch at me and call me stupid, so I would just wait, wait for her to leave again.
And now, even though I'm comparatively so happy and life is so much better than any other time I can remember, I feel like I just have to wait this out since I'm not yet where I would like to be.
I feel like waiting for a portion of my life to end and doing nothing else is comparable to wasting it, and I don't want that. I'm not really sure how to get out of this frame of mind or feel like I'm finally living. I'm so used to waiting for consciousness to end. I'm still lost.
I don't know what else to add so I suppose I'll stop there.
That's just the thing, isn't it? I made the choice, so I can't really complain about missing out on things I didn't take part in, due to studying.
I love seeing people. I was a terrified introvert when I was young, but mostly only due to bullying. I was shocked to find just how much of a... real person I am. I wouldn't say I'm an extrovert as principle, but with people I feel comfortable around, most definitely.
I know I say this all the time, but after being sick, I really want to enjoy life starting right fucking now. I felt half dead for so long, and now I just want to laugh and run and really feel every little bump along the road of life (I'm so cheesy). I love life. I love it so goddamn much. Not many people appreciate life this much. Not that that makes me better or wiser by any means, but that's me. And I want to just, get the fuck out and love it. Ahh. I do.
Next year, I want to make the choice to take a lighter course load so I can make a little music, paint a few pictures, and enjoy the company of people on the side. This brings me back to my previous journal, though. The lighter the load I carry, the longer it will take me to finish high school and really start the life I want. I have to think about it a lot more.
Today, after my test, a gentleman offered to drive me home, seeing as I had no ride.
We promptly got lost. We ended up on a windy road with no exits, then in a few construction zones, and only after all this did he remember he had a GPS. I'm glad he didn't bring it up sooner, this teeny adventure was the most fun I've had in a while.
It's weirdly funny when the car slowly creeps into the empty intersection on a red light, then slowly reverses at an angle.
I say, "What the hell was that?"
He says, "Turning...?"
And I laugh like an idiot. Apparently my laughter is contagious.
(So there's the literal meaning of the title. It's also totally a metaphor.)
I now know what's really important to me. The quick summary is "to be happy", but there's a lot more to that.
Every day I figure out more and more things that will make me happier and happier. And, I mean, I am happy. I know if I spend my whole life thinking the grass is greener somewhere else I may never be truly happy. With that said, though, I don't think going after goals is much in violation of that. Or perhaps it is, I don't pretend to know things.
Anyway, I feel like I'm on the right track. If happy and content and fulfilled is where I want to be, then I'm driving home. (You know I'm good at this shit because I have to explain my metaphors.) I know what I mentioned is more of a state of mind, rather than a time. Like, I can wait for life to get more awesome and me to become super happy forever, but it will really only come from inside myself.
And that is where I keep getting lost.
I'm still more or less stuck in that frame of mind... just waiting for this part of life to be over so I can move on to the better part which will come after. When I was ill, that was all I had... to wait until I was better. When I was bullied, that was all I had... to wait until I got home to escape the school atmosphere. When I got home and my father was drinking and yelling, refusing to cook and ignoring me, I could only huddle up and wait for him to fall asleep or start watching TV, and wait until my mom got home. When my mother took off for weeks to go to conferences, when she worked until after my bedtime on weekdays, I could only wait for her. She was only ever upset and depressed when she got home, my father and her fought, and she would bitch at me and call me stupid, so I would just wait, wait for her to leave again.
And now, even though I'm comparatively so happy and life is so much better than any other time I can remember, I feel like I just have to wait this out since I'm not yet where I would like to be.
I feel like waiting for a portion of my life to end and doing nothing else is comparable to wasting it, and I don't want that. I'm not really sure how to get out of this frame of mind or feel like I'm finally living. I'm so used to waiting for consciousness to end. I'm still lost.
I don't know what else to add so I suppose I'll stop there.
No comments:
Post a Comment