It's interesting just how slowly acting like an adult gets easier.
I've noticed how strong the impulse sometimes is to say, fuck it, when academic things get hard. I've noticed how badly I want to give up, then come up with a reasonable excuse for why I didn't do the work. I've noticed how, when I really made a stupid mistake don't show up for a group meeting, and let people down, all I wanted to do is come up with some excuse so they wouldn't be upset with me. Same thing, when I fucked up a test. It's so tempting to want to play games with someone and get away with screw-ups. I mean, what they don't know can't hurt them. More importantly, it can't hurt me.
Of course, that's childish, and even when I was a child, I was against that level of manipulative immaturity.
Being an adult, I force myself to think I just have to tell everyone the truth. Thus, I failed the test, I got reprimanded by my group, and I suffered through many more assignments I hadn't studied for due to stress attacks, and took what came to me as a result.
It's interesting to think, though, if I were less of a mature person, and just lied, I likely wouldn't have ever gotten in trouble.
I don't want to get in trouble, I made a mistake. I feel stupid already! This kind of thing never happens. I'll just keep this one secret, just get away with this, and then I'll never do it again.
But adults can't take the easy way out.
(I'm aware lots of adults DO do whatever they can to avoid getting in trouble, but I guess I just don't want to be that kind of adult.)
This point in my life is good, and I'm happy. The only thing, however, is how confusing it is to try and label what the hell I am.
If I hadn't gotten sick, I would be finished high school by now. I would have actually been finished early. As it stands, I feel like I should be entering the adult world now. I'm at that level of maturity or so it'd like to think. I could enter the world, but, since I did get sick, I've still got two and a half years of high school ahead of me.
I feel I have no business entering the world because of this. I feel more at home in, well, my home. Where I don't have to try to find a spot to fit in, like the world where none of the seats are quite the right height for me. When I go out, everyone is talking about their new university lives, or applying for university lives, or working lives. And I'm happy for them, but I'm honestly very jealous. I'm so ready to be done, but I've got three more years left to go before I can study for my job, and that's nearly five years until I can study what I love.
That's. So. Long.
I really, really don't want that. I know some people grow up feeling like an adult in a teenager's body. I'm literally an adult in a teenager's role.
So, what am I going to be for the next three years? Am I an adult? A high schooler? What am I going to do while I'm just waiting for the next five years to be over?
I don't want to waste five years of my life. Time is so precious and I want to spend it feeling happy and fulfilled. I want to make music and paint pictures. Film silly movies and write things that don't suck. I don't want to be stressed over high school grades. I don't care about these subjects. I could slack off, but I need 90's to get into my trade school program. I just feel so stuck and it's often saddening, and very stressful. I have a fear of wasting time. I wasted three years of it already being sick in bed. I just want to break out and really take advantage of the health I wish I had for so long.
I want to have the life of the adult I'm always thinking about.
Me, when I'm done school, done trade school, and finally able to put all my academic focus toward things I want to do.
If only I would be happy as a high school drop-out.
(Advice/thoughts are appreciated.)
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